Chapter 13
Jo and Luke were quiet on the ride to the airport in Managua. Seated next to Luke in the back, Jo would occasionally look up at him. They’d lock eyes for a moment, then they would break free from each other and look out the window. Alvedor, the driver who had taken Luke to Granada two weeks before, sensed the tension between them and kept quiet, turning the radio down to where it just filled in the background.
“Will you ask this guy to wait for a few minutes so you can help me get into line with my bags?” Jo asked.
“Yeah, baby,” Luke said. He kissed her on the forehead then looked back out the window. He felt his eyes stinging and knew he was feeling this separation with every cell of his body. He had fallen in love, but right now was the first time he had ever allowed himself to think about Jo in that way. Never had it been so hard for him not to tell someone he loved them. But that was such a big step, and he had said it so many times before, and there was so much pain when those relationships had fallen apart. He knew he was trying to stop himself from suffering again, and he felt like a coward. What was he going to do, not tell her how he felt? Did he really have to wait to see if they would come back together before he told her how he felt now? What if they didn’t make it? Did that mean this time had been for nothing?
Jo was reeling between sadness and anger and frustration. Her stomach was in turmoil as she thought about having to leave Luke, and she was really pissed off she had committed to doing so. And Luke was being so stoic. He kissed me on the fucking forehead, she thought. Really? Now? I want him hugging me and kissing me and telling me how much he loves me and how much he’s going to miss me and that he just can’t do this and I shouldn’t leave, she thought. But she knew she had to leave, and she knew Luke was right. They had been in their own little world, and now that was over. Neither of them knew how they were going to feel tomorrow. Was he going to step out the door and meet another woman and forget all about her? Was she going to have another man come into her life? Why was this so hard? She’d had so many flings before, and she was always the one to leave. She actually felt at times she was emotionally deficit because she had gotten so good at it. But not now. This time was different, and she just didn’t know what to do about it.
“The driver will come back in fifteen minutes,” Luke said after they unloaded Jo’s luggage outside the airport terminal. “He’s going to get some gas and then meet me back here.”
Luke focused on finding his way through the confusion in the terminal to keep his mind off Jo leaving. Watching her going about the process of entering the information for her electronic ticket, he was impressed with how easy these things were for her. He had traveled so seldom the last several years that he usually had to ask someone for help with the new technology. If we do travel together in the future, she’ll probably be the one who keeps us out of trouble, he thought.
Jo was moving on autopilot, just going through the motions she had done so many times in the past. All she wanted to do was sit down and cry, right on the floor, right in front of everyone. She didn’t give a fuck as she felt her legs get weak and she started to shake. No, I’m stronger than this, she thought. She didn’t want Luke to know how much it was taking her just to get on the plane. But then again, part of her did want him to know. She wanted him to know that she loved him, that she was crazy about him and wanted to hold him for the rest of her life. But she sensed he didn’t want to hear that. Jo knew she was scared about this parting, and she didn’t care if Luke knew it or not. But she didn’t think Luke realized that he was scared too, and she really didn’t know if he would want her to know that or not.
“I need five more córdobas,” the agent was telling Jo. Luke noticed that Jo was preoccupied as she looked through her wallet.
“Here,” Jo said, handing the agent behind the counter a five–cord note. “It’s all I have. Wait a minute,” she said, pulling the bill back and standing up straighter. “Why am I giving you this?”
Luke could tell that she had pulled herself into the present, and he was amazed how she was now taking control. He might not have even questioned the agent and just given the woman what she was asking for. Jo was tougher than Luke in these areas, and he knew she’d be a great balance to his energy. When she was satisfied with the agent’s response, he saw her hand the woman the money again. After collecting her passport and boarding pass, she turned toward him. As soon as their eyes met, the businesswoman left and his lover of the last ten days returned.
Pulling her carry–on bag for her, Luke led them out of the bustle of the people to a less crowed area next to the passageway leading to the boarding gates. It was already a few minutes past the fifteen he had agreed on with the driver, and he could feel the anxiety starting to build in his gut. But the driver would have to wait, he thought, even if it meant having to give him a bigger tip.
Stopping together, Jo and Luke turned toward one another, neither saying anything. Luke let go of the carry–on, and neither of them noticed when it fell over on the floor next to them. They both looked lost, the sadness of the moment hanging heavy around them.
Jo was the first to come out of the void and gave Luke a tight–lipped smile, getting one in return. Stepping forward, she put her arms around his waist and pressed her face into his neck, squeezing him as Luke kissed the side of her head before resting his next to hers. Her chest ached. All night she had lain there in bed reviewing her time with him. She had allowed herself to fall in love with him, and she was sure she had let him know this even if she hadn’t actually said the words. She had seen him respond to her energy and love her in return. But why was he so intent on putting this time of theirs into terms of being a bubble, like something that could go pop and be gone from existence forevermore? Why was he always speaking in terms of if they came back together? He was always so adamant that it was Jo who would probably find someone else and drop him, and not the other way around. Jo sniffed and swallowed, the back of her throat sore. Was he really this afraid of being hurt, or was he just trying to make it easier to break up with her after she left? And if that was the case, and he didn’t have the grace to at least let her know it was over now, then he was a real shit, and she shouldn’t be wasting her time on him. Jo was crying, and she could feel the tears wetting his neck, but she didn’t care. She hadn’t put on makeup for this very reason.
When Luke saw Jo’s lips pressed tight as she tried to smile, he felt the whole façade he had built around their relationship crumble down. In the clarity of that moment, he saw how he had been trying to control so much that he knew couldn’t be, and all of the sudden he felt nauseous. No matter how much he planned and how much he worried about not making a mistake with Jo, either by getting her hopes up or by him falling for her just to have her find another, he knew he couldn’t deny what had happened to them over the last week. And that by not honoring that experience through the words necessary to express it, he had exited the flow in which he had worked so hard to remain. He had violated the universe, and now he felt like a fool, nothing more than a rank amateur wandering aimlessly down the kosmic path. In that instant, he knew he had wasted so many precious chances to show gratitude for the joy and the love and the friendship that had been ushered into his life. His body trembled as he felt into his shame. And right then he committed to not allowing that to happen anymore, at least not now, and not with Jo.
Jo sensed the shift in Luke’s body as he broke free of their hug, and her first thought was that he was going to break up with her, and all of the sudden she didn’t want him to see her crying. Looking down and away, she reached up and used her finger to wipe away the tears under her eyes. Then she felt Luke’s hands cupping the sides of her head, and for a moment she resisted his effort to turn her face toward him, wanting to preserve at least a semblance of dignity. But this wasn’t the place for drama, and she was running out of time to get to her plane. Steeling herself for the rejection sure to come, Jo straightened her posture and let him turn her head to face him. When she looked into his eyes and she saw the tears streaming down his cheeks, all her worries left as she felt his love flowing through her.
“I love you, Josie,” Luke said, holding her gaze through his tears. Luke’s pulse was pounding, and all of the sudden his legs felt weak. It was like the world had faded away, and he and Jo were alone in the universe. “I have for a while, from the first night we were together, and I am so very sorry I didn’t tell you as soon as I knew. Please forgive me. Please Jo?” His lips trembled, and his eyes pleaded for understanding.
“Oh, Luke! I love you too, and I should have told you but I thought you knew! Oh God, how I love you, baby,” Jo said, throwing herself against his body, squeezing him as hard as she could. She felt the sudden release of all the tension that had built up over the last few days, and gratitude permeated her being.
“God, it feels so much better to have said that,” Luke said, hugging and rocking her back and forth. “I love you, I love you, I love you!” All of Luke’s worries from before had vanished. Why had that been so hard? he wondered. “And I know you have to leave, and I know that I have to do my stuff, but I want you in my life, and I never want to let you go again. No matter what happens in the future, Jo, I just want you to know that.”
“Oh, baby, me too! Me too! So we are going to get back together. Not if, right?” As much as Jo just wanted to be held right then, she leaned back from Luke, wanting to hear his answer.
“Yes. As far as I’m concerned, yes! Oh fuck, it’s going to be so hard having you gone,” Luke said as the realization of their parting took on a new flavor and he felt his heart sink.
Jo looked at her watch. “I have to go,” she said. “It’s time.” Putting her arms back around Luke, she raised her lips to his and felt the wet heat of his mouth as their tongues found each other. And again reality faded for both of them, and they were back on the street the first night they met.
As Jo walked away, she thought about how close they had come to losing each other. He really did love her, and he wanted her back, and she was so okay with that. And she knew if she turned around, he would still be there watching her walk away. At least if he loved her, he would be.
Luke stood there watching Jo enter the bustle of people making their way to the boarding gates. She was soon going to be out of sight, and he knew his driver was watching through the window, but now he wanted to savor every second of her that he could. He needed to know if she was going to look back, because that meant she really did love him. Right? But it didn’t look like that was going to happen as she began to turn the corner and be lost from sight. Then just before she was gone, she stopped, forcing people to go around her. And when she turned around, their eyes locked across the terminal one more time, and they smiled.
The end.
Bob
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